It has been a long road for me, I don’t know how many people around me has ever felt the horrible and atrocious feeling and devastation of wishing to end your life on your own, but even though my suicidal thoughts have reduced to almost undetectable this year, the memories remind, I am in a contemplating mindset today.
2018 was a time of my life when something I once thought will never happen to me, happened, and it came like a wave of years and years of suffering and pain that became a complete nightmare, mainly because no one around me seemed to know or care about what everyone goes through within, like, suffering, sorrow and pain is a normality and that addressing dysfunction is a shame. I will never forget that life lesson, I didn’t even thought about looking for help, help was not something I thought worthy of getting, now I know I am worthy of help and support.
Cause in those times, the suicidal phase of my life, I never experienced such distress in my entire life, the emotions and thoughts were so overwhelming, so out of this world, that not even horror movies have ever made me feel like that.
The worst you can do is isolate yourself when you need help, specially if you feel like no one around you sees the pain you’re going through, and specially if your tears are dismissible for your environment.
That is NOT okay, and I say it very clearly, that is NOT okay.
Soon enough I started to look for help, because, luckily for me, I always looked outside my closest environment, I always looked outside me and was curious about the world outside, always noticing how different people is and how I could connect with them, how my little personal world is always part of something bigger, sometimes scarier, but also a lot healthier, there are people that think your story was an atrocious thing to live, so, if you feel suicidal, look out, and keep looking out, keep being curious, keep reaching to Gods, keep walking through nature, keep crying while you need to, and keep writing your experience down on paper or however you feel like, and keep going, hold on, and keep going.
Music saved my life, internet saved my life, therapy saved my life, ultimately, I came to save my life as of now. I am humble in this matters now, so I don’t know how far I will go, but I know one thing, I am doing all I can each day, and, maybe that is what keeps me alive.
The future is unknown, the past is now certain, and the present moment is my real life, the most precious thing in the world, and sharing it with so many others that care about the world, about me and about you makes it more bearable and beautiful, though not less complex, like climbing an endless mountain, we can rest, or we can go back for a while, but the path is always forward, and we all are on that journey, even those who sometimes don’t even know they are.
Hold on, and find yourself inside.
Thank you to everyone that dedicate their life to make a better world, to help soothe spirits and to bring light into darkness.
|Ælevenen| 